Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a skill regularly referred to in social and communication skills training.

Being assertive means being able to stand up for your own or other people’s rights calmly and positively, without being either aggressive or passively accepting ‘wrong’.

Assertive individuals can get their point across without upsetting others or becoming upset themselves.

Although everyone acts in passive and aggressive ways from time to time, such ways of responding often is a result of a lack of self-confidence and are, therefore, inappropriate ways of interacting with others.

Assertiveness means standing up for your rights- expressing thoughts, feeling, and beliefs in direct, honest and appropriate ways.

It is important to note that, those who behave assertively always respect the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of other people as well as their own.

Assertiveness concerns being able to express feelings, wishes, wants, and desires appropriately and is an important personal and interpersonal skill. In all your interactions with other people, whether at home or work, with employers, customers or colleagues, assertiveness can help you to express yourself in a clear, open, and reasonable way, without undermining your own or others’ rights.

Assertiveness enables individuals to act in their own best interests, to stand up for themselves without undue anxiety, to express honest feelings comfortably, and to express personal rights without denying the rights of others.

Assertiveness is often seen as the balance point between passive and aggressive behaviour but it’s probably easier to think of the three as points of the triangle.

Being Assertive

Being assertive involves taking into consideration your own and other people’s rights, wishes, needs and desires. Assertiveness means encouraging others to be open and honest about their views, wishes and feelings so that both parties act appropriately.

Some people may struggle to behave assertively for several reasons and find that they behave either aggressively or passively instead.

Being Passive

Responding in a passive or non-assertive way tends to mean compliance with the wishes of others and can undermine individual rights and self-confidence.

Many people adopt a passive response because they have a strong need to be liked by others. Such people do not regard themselves as equals because they place greater weight on their rights, wishes, and feelings. Being passive results in failure to communicate thoughts or feelings and results in people doing things they do not want to do in the hope that they might please others. This also means that they allow others to take responsibility, to lead and make decisions for them.

When you respond passively, you present yourself in a less positive light or put yourself down in some way. If you constantly belittle yourself in this way, you will come to feel inferior to others. While the underlying causes of passive behaviour are often poor self-confidence and self-esteem, in itself it can further reduce feelings of self-worth, creating a vicious circle.

Being Aggressive

By being aggressive towards someone else, their rights and self-esteem are undermined.

Aggressive behaviour fails to consider the views or feelings of other individuals. Those behaving aggressively will rarely show others’ praise or appreciation, and an aggressive response tends to put others down. Aggressive response encourages the other person to respond in a non-assertive way, either aggressively or passively.

There is a wide range of aggressive behaviour, including rushing someone unnecessarily, telling rather than asking, ignoring someone, or not considering another’s feelings.

Good interpersonal skills mean you need to be aware of the different ways of communicating and the different response each approach might provoke. The use of either passive or aggressive behaviour in an interpersonal relationship can have undesirable consequences for those you are communicating with and it may well hinder positive moves.

It can be a frightening or distressing experience to be spoken too aggressively and the receiver can be left wondering what incited such behaviour or what he or she has done to deserve the aggression.

If thoughts and feelings are not stated clearly, this can lead to individuals manipulating others into meeting their wishes and desires. Manipulation can be seen as a covert form of aggression whilst humour can also be used aggressively.

The Benefits Of Being Assertive

One of the main benefits of being assertive is that it can help you to become more self-confident, as you gain a better understanding of who you are and the value that you offer.

Assertiveness provides several other benefits that can help you both in your workplace and other areas of your life. In general, assertive people:

• Make great managers. They get things done by treating people with fairness and respect and are treated by others the same way in return. This means that they are often well-liked and seen as leaders that people want to work with.
• Negotiate successful “win-win” solutions. They can recognise the value of their opponent’s position and can quickly find common grounds with him.
• Are better doers and problem solvers. They feel empowered to do whatever it takes to find the best solution to the problems that they encounter.
• Are less anxious and stressed. They are self-assured and don’t feel threatened or victimised when things don’t go as planned or as expected.

How to become more Assertive

It is not always easy to become more assertive, but it is possible. So, if your disposition or workplace tends to be more passive or aggressive than assertive, then it is a good idea to work on the following areas to help you get the balance right.

1. Value Yourself and Your Rights

To be more assertive, you need to gain a good understanding of yourself, as well as a strong belief in your inherent value and your value to your organisation and team.

This self-belief is the basis of self-confidence and assertive behaviour. It will help you to recognise that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, give you the confidence to stick up for your rights and protect your boundaries, and remain true to yourself, your wants, and your needs.

While self-confidence is an important aspect of assertiveness, you must make sure that it does not develop into self-importance. Your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires are just as important as everyone else’s, but not more important than anyone else’s.

2. Voice Your Needs And Wants Confidently

If you are going to perform to your full potential then you need to make sure that your priorities- your needs and wants- are met.

Don’t wait for someone else to recognise what you need. You might wait forever! Take the initiative and start to identify the things that you want now. Then set goals so that you can achieve them.

Once you have done this, you can tell your boss or your colleagues exactly what it is that you need from them to help you achieve these goals clearly and confidently. And don’t forget to stick to your guns. Even if what you want is not possible right now, ask (politely) whether you can revisit your request in six months.

Find ways to make requests that avoid sacrificing others’ needs. Remember, you want people to help you, and asking for things in an overly aggressive or pushy way is likely to put them off doing this and may even damage your relationship.

3. Acknowledge That You Can’t Control Other People’s Behaviour

Don’t make the mistake of accepting responsibility for how people react to your assertiveness. If they, for examples, act angry or resentful towards you, try to avoid reacting to them in the same way.

Remember that you can only control yourself and your behaviour so do your best to stay calm and measured if things get tense. As long as you are being respectful and not violating someone else’s needs, then you have the right to say or do what you want.

4. Express Yourself In A Positive Way

It is important to say what is on your mind, even when you have a difficult or negative issue to deal with. But you must do it constructively and sensitively.

Don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself and to confront people who challenge you and/or your rights. You can even allow yourself to be angry! But remember to control your emotions and t stay respectful at all times.

5. Be Open To Criticism And Compliments

Accept both positive and negative feedback graciously, humbly and positively.

If you don’t agree with the criticism that you receive then you need to be prepared to say so, but without getting defensive or angry.

6. Learn To Say “No”

Saying “No” is hard to do, especially when you are not used to doing it, but it is vital if you want to become more assertive.

Knowing your limits and how much work you can take on, will help you manage your tasks more effectively, and to pinpoint any areas of your job that make you feel as though you are being taken advantage of.

Remember that you can’t possibly do everything or please everyone, so it is important that you protect your time and your workload by saying “no” when necessary. When you do have to say “no”, try to find a win-win solution that works for everyone.

7. Use Assertive Communication Techniques

There are several simple but effective communication techniques that you can use to become more assertive. These are:

• Use “I” Statements

Use “I want”, “I need” or “I feel” to convey basic assertions and get your point across firmly. For example, “I feel strongly that we need to bring in a third party to mediate this disagreement.”

• Empathy

Always try to recognise and understand how the other person views the situation. Then, after considering her point of view, express what you need from her.

For example, “I understand that you are having trouble working with Arlene, but this project needs to be completed by Friday. Let’s all sit down and come up with a plan together.”

• Escalation

If your first attempts at asserting yourself have been unsuccessful, you may need to further escalate the matter. This means becoming firm (though still polite and respectful) with the person who you are requesting help from, and may end in you telling him what you will do next if you still are not satisfied.

For example, “John, this is the third time this week I have had to Speak to you about arriving late. If you are late once more this month, I will activate the disciplinary process.”

However, remember that, regardless of the consequences that you communicate to the person in question, you may still not get what you want in the end. If this is the case, you may need to take further action by setting up a formal meeting to talk about the problem of escalating your concerns to your boss.

• Ask for more time

Sometimes, it is best not to say anything. You might be too emotional or you might not know what it is that you want yet.

If this is the case, be honest and tell the person that you need a few minutes to compose your thoughts. For example, you might say “Dave, your request has caught me off guard. I will get back to you within half an hour.”

• Change Your Verbs

Try using verbs that are more defined and empathetic when you communicate. This will help you send a clear message and avoid “sugar-coating” your message so much that people are left confused by what you want from them.

To do this, use verbs like “will” instead of “could” or “should”, “want” instead of “need”, or “choose to” instead of “have to”.

For example:

“I want to go for this training course because I believe that it will help me to progress in my role and my career.”

You may find that you respond differently- whether passively, assertively or aggressively- when you are communicating in different situations.

It is important to remember that any interaction is always a two-way process and therefore your reaction may differ, depending upon your relationship with the other person in the communication.

You may for example find it easier to be assertive to your partner than to your boss or vice versa. However, whether it is easy or not, an assertive response is always going to be better for you and your relationship with the other person.